


I can't even dream without you

by supernova_darling



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Death, M/M, Steve Rogers Dies, Violence, happy fucking birthday you clown man, i put myself through pain for this to exist, it's a major character death fic and the death is steve, it's not super graphic but like, kai i hope you fucking enjoy, love you, so you'd better appreciate it, uh steve gets shot a lot and bleeds out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-25 23:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21364210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernova_darling/pseuds/supernova_darling
Summary: And I wanna fall asleep, forget everything,But I can't even dream without you
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 13
Kudos: 21





	I can't even dream without you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Snowheart1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowheart1/gifts).

> happy birthday kai!!! you wonderful pillsbury dough boy!! love you!!!! i know you already read this but i was gonna post it anyway, so why not on your birthday! even if four days ago you hadn't realized your birthday was today lmao. i always remember for u don't worry :)
> 
> read the tags for warnings!!
> 
> title & lyrics in the story are from michl's [out of order](https://youtu.be/KCXeL6-E0nY).

_ I’m out of order _

_ Without a quarter of you _

* * *

Steve fell to the ground, and Bucky’s whole world crumbled to pieces around him.

For a long second it felt unreal, like that moment between sleep and consciousness when you don’t have a grasp on anything corporeal. Bucky felt like he was floating, liminal, drifting. He watched as steve collapsed to the ground in slow motion. For that sliver of a moment, he had no thoughts. His mind was clear, empty, gone.

And then everything was thrown back into focus, and Bucky screamed.

He’d broken into a sprint before he knew his legs were moving. He reached Steve seconds after he hit the ground. Bucky grabbed his ankles and pulled him into cover behind a fallen tree as quickly as he could.

When he looked at Steve’s wounds, Bucky’s breath caught in his throat and stayed there. His chest was riddled with bullet holes, his flesh carved up and ripped apart. Blood bloomed from his veins and spread rapidly across the fabric of his suit.

“Shit, Steve,  _ fuck _ —” Bucky frantically pressed his hands against the wounds, and then his arms when it didn’t do enough. He screamed for the others. Steve was losing blood too fast for even his accelerated healing to stop.

“Steve, shit, oh my god,  _ Steve _ —” Bucky’s hands shook where he pressed them against Steve’s chest. Blood poured out between his fingers. 

“Buck—” He tried, but it made him cough up blood. “Bucky—”

“Don’t you dare say it, Rogers. Don’t fucking dare. You’re not dying today.” He knew steve wanted him to look at him, and Bucky wouldn’t—couldn’t. He knew he’d break if he saw Steve’s face covered in blood, so he screamed instead. “Morita! Jones, Falsworth—Jesus, someone! Help!”

He screamed so loud his throat went raw, and it didn’t do a goddamn thing. The shells falling farther ahead were too loud, and his voice didn’t reach far enough.

“Buck—Bucky, look at me.”

Bucky’s tears fell onto his hands and mixed with Steve’s blood. There was so,  _ so _ much blood. It blossomed from his chest and seeped through his clothes. It made the beautiful navy blue of his suit an ugly brown. The liquid bled into the white star and turned it red.

“Buck,” Steve tried again. 

“I can’t, Stevie.”

“Bucky.” Steve reached and tried to pull bucky’s hands away. Bucky cried harder and didn’t budge. “Let go, Buck. Let—Let me go.”

Finally, he looked at Steve, his face covered in blood. It made Bucky sob and Steve’s eyes filled with sadness. “I’m s—so sorry, Buck.”

“Please, Steve, please don’t go. I can’t be here without you,” he sobbed, and then, the truth: “I can’t  _ be  _ without you.”

Steve pulled at his hands again, and Bucky let him this time. They came away dripping in blood past his elbows. Steve pulled a hand to his face and pressed Bucky’s fingers to his lips. “I love you,” he whispered against his skin, so quiet the forest nearly swallowed it up. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Bucky responded, by rote, and Steve smiled.

* * *

When the shooting finally stopped, Falsworth saw Bucky first, from a distance. “They’re over here!” he shouted to the others. “They’re—“

He stopped short several yards away. He heard someone crying. 

“Barnes?” he asked in a whisper. 

The sergeant didn’t respond. Falsworth hesitantly stepped closer, around another tree. The sight made his heart stop in his chest.

Bucky’s shoulders were shaking, curled in on himself, his chest wracking with silent sobs. He clutched steve’s hand to his face, his own arms soaked in blood.

And the captain, he was—

Steve stared up into the sky, eyes blank, a slight smile on his face. He wasn’t breathing.

The others arrived shortly after. Morita paused beside Falsworth for a moment before rushing up to help, and Jones followed. Dernier stopped in his tracks. “Mon dieu,” he whispered, his voice unsteady. Dugan stood behind them, holding his breath.

Finally, when Morita and Jones stopped trying to help, it was silent except for Bucky’s sobs. Eventually that ended as well, but Bucky didn’t move. He held Steve’s hand to his face and stared at steve’s blood-stained lips. The blood seeped into the ground, into Bucky’s clothes, into his skin. No one moved for a long, quiet time. 

Falsworth didn’t know how long it had been. He knew no one wanted to discuss leaving, because no one wanted to leave. No one wanted to make it real. 

A million years later, Falsworth remembered how to move his feet, and walked up to the sergeant. “Barnes,” he whispered, and put a hand on his shoulder. Bucky didn’t respond. “We need to go, Sergeant.” 

Bucky reached up towards Steve’s face and brushed his hair from his eyes, but he didn’t close them. The captain stayed staring up at the bright blue sky. Bucky leaned up, gripped the back of steve’s neck, and pressed his forehead to the captain’s fiercely, his eyes squeezed shut. A moment came and went. The sergeant stood very suddenly and walked away.

Dugan and Jones, then Morita and Falsworth, carried the captain’s body the twenty miles back to base. They barely spoke a word the whole time. Bucky walked ahead of them, silent. He refused to let them wash the blood off his arms. 

He left it on for days, so long that it stained his skin. There were permanent lines above his elbows where the blood had ended. 

And on the tips of his fingers, if he looked close enough, was the bloody mark of a last kiss.

* * *

_ I’m out of order _

_ Without a quarter of you _

_ And I wanna fall asleep, forget everything _

_ But I can’t even dream without you _

_ I’m out of order _

_ Without a quarter of you _

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry if this hurt your feelings, it hurt mine too
> 
> go read my best friend [kai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowheart1)'s works he's amazing and also it's his birthday so u gotta
> 
> in case u missed it, title & lyrics in the story are from michl's [out of order](https://youtu.be/KCXeL6-E0nY). (seriously, go listen. it's my new favorite song.)


End file.
